Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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