I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
