Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
