I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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