somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
