that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
