In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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