my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
