she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
