So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
