i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
