If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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