My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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