I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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