ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
