my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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