It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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