# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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