I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We are two peas in an std pod
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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