please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
