the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
