I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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