i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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