It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
