she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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