I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
