well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
