Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
