My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
