I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
