My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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