I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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