i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
