woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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