I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
