My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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