I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have aggressive nipples.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
