I want you more than these girls want KFC
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
