I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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