Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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