We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
