You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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