Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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