Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
