Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
