i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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