I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
