You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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