I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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