Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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