I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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