omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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